i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
