You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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