Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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