I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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