It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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