When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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