I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
