In the future we'll all be gay
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
