My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
