I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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