remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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