Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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