Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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