I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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