last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
