tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
