You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
