I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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