I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
