I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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