my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
