if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
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I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
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because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
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