Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
