i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
