looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
