i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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