Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
