So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
