Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
