Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
