i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
