I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
