He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
