Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
