The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i will never coherently bang her
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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