she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
