Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
