Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
