I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
