it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Randomize
