i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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