Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
