dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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