Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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