i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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