he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
tell me about the eggs
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
