STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Boobs speak an international language.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
