Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
