just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
