y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
