I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
