Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
