I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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