Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Vodka?
Forever.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
