Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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