Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Randomize
