she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
