Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
