I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
