Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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