So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
